It's not like the world ever changed... I did.

cantoiridium @ 2007-09-24T14:48:00

2007-09-24T21:59:38Z

The other day I was riding my bike down a residential neighborhood, on my way back from one of my many little expeditions/exercises, and witnessed a little nuance that really bothered me. It was a mother, taking her child out of her car into the house who glanced at me with a loathsome amount of distrust. Here was this person who I just happened to exchange glances with. One I have never seen before nor will I ever see again, and yet she seemed almost frightened by my appearance. Now I may look many things, but intimidating was never one of them, and I cant help but wonder about how fucked up things are such that you automatically distrust everyone and everything you see.

This woman wasnt suffering from some kind of erratic paranoia, she was just demonstrating something that I immediately realized was kind of a cultural norm for many of us Americans. I was brought up being told by everyone and everything I've ever known that the world is a cruel place. My parents always told me never to trust strangers, but when you look at it, what kind of shitty mentality is that? What happened to the fabled days where kids would hitch-hike home from school with total strangers, when a visitor to your home was cause for celebration, not caution? I know I'm beating an allready significantly dead horse with all this, but its just really one of those epiphanies that you have from time to time.

I wont brood over it, although its certainly easy to see why people see the state of our race and get depressed. I wonder if there is a "cure" for it all. It almost seems sometimes that society is pushing in the wrong direction sometimes, but I wonder if I held the strings to the world, if I could figure out how to fix the inherent distrust that grips us.

Knocked Up

2007-06-04T22:31:08Z

I've always thought it was funny that movies could get such responses out of me, then again I'm sure I'm not alone. First of all, let me say that this movie kicked ass. Apart from the last 30 minutes, which was your typical sappy happy American ending, the way the romance and comedy was seamlessly twisted together for the first portion of the movie was fantastic.

The thing is, I walked away feeling sympathetic for the two guys in the movie. Lets put this in perspective first though for those who have not seen it. There is a main character who is dating the other main character, and he is your typical stoner: Jobless, a bunch of awesomely terrible friends, and low end pipe dreams. There's also another guy in the movie who is married to the sister of the second main character. This guy is by all accounts a great father. He pays attention to his kids, makes them laugh, and is overall very nice and funny. However, apparently he doesnt pay enough attention to his wife. He gets caught sneaking out to go play Fantasy Baseball with his friends and his wife professes between tears that it is "worse than cheating on her."

Then the second main character starts trying to change the main character. She gets snappy and bitchy about things that she didnt even criticize the poor guy about going into the relationship. In the end she breaks it off, citing that she doesnt want her relationship turning into a mirror of her sisters.

So what exactly is it that convinces women that they can happily jaunter into a relationship with no strings and suddenly try to hook a man into a different lifestyle? What exactly is it about a man wanting solitude occasionally that so irratates a woman? Does she genuinely believe that if every second isnt spent with her, that the love a man professes is a lie?

I had a hard time walking away from this movie because I can tell you right now, faced with the same situation, I probably wouldnt have made it with the chick in the movie. Granted, I'm not a stoner with no job and a shitty life, but if I was, I cant see myself changing given the circumstances. I cannot honestly say that I would ever apologize to the girl like the main character did. The way I see it, at that point in the movie he is basically asserting that he is that girls bitch, and I could never let someone have that much control over my life.

I really wonder, therefore, if I'm ready. Suppose I was in a serious relationship. Would I really be able to make it last? Seriously, is that even what I want anymore? Do I want to spend 90% of my life trying vainly to please someone for that 10% when it actually comes together and feels good?

Immaturity = Good?

2006-09-15T17:45:24Z

Every time I look into my past I find some reason to be embarrassed. Whether its my usage of some really ridiculous terms like "myn" instead of "mine" or some vague obsession over the field of relasionships, I never cease to find a reason to blush. The funny thing is, last year I was going over my journal entries and whatnot and being embarrassed by them, and I swore to myself that I'd never be embarrassed by anything I wrote from that point on again.

Now I'm bored and going through past emails, and lo and behod, I begin wondering what the hell I was thinking writing some of them. Once again oodles of immaturity bursts through the seems of my writing, and I again wonder how immature I am now, as compared to last year, as compared to what I'm going to be a year from now. The picture that symbolizes me and my LJ is still the same, I dont need to change that, but it seems that every year I approach some vague refinement, but I dont even know what that refinement is.

I suppose the more I think about it, the better this all is. I've always thought of myself as having a rather bad experience in Grade/Middle school, and the fact that I somewhat "grew up" in high school may be a sign that my overall progression to maturity is developing at the same rate as everyone elses, just happening a bit later, or something like that. I wish I knew when it was all going to be over though :x

cantoiridium @ 2006-07-26T01:57:00

2006-07-26T08:58:51Z

So I made out with this one chick in a dream yesterday. Not some purely sexual action, apparently more emotionally driven. I wish I could find what it is that triggers these random dreams. I'd do it a little more often.

cantoiridium @ 2006-02-02T14:33:00

2006-02-02T22:33:56Z

I've never seen a person so out of place as that goth walking down the beach, squinting in the blinding sunlight. I lol'ed all the way back home.

Now I need to go study.

The taste of irony

2006-01-24T23:22:44Z

The further I move from the allready distant shores of my high school life, the more I find the little oddities it drove me to just blatantly disgusting.

I must admit, my life is extremely bland as of late. You'd think that going to UCSB, on the edge of the beach, with some of the wildest parties on the west coast, would have me claiming that I live in a world of nonstop action, but I wont lie.

Yes it's beautiful down here. So beautiful that I wont even begin to describe it because it's incomprehensible to anyone who hasnt spent more than a month exploring the various byways, walking down the beaches, and just lazing around in a room on the ninth story of a tower facing the beach. However, beauty is just a passive thing: most of the time you dont notice after you've lived in it long enough. For example, the first week I was back in Yorba Linda, I was awestruck by the beauty of the setting sun over the mountains; as opposed to the all-to-often-seen beach sunset. I digress, beauty doesnt make life exciting, just better.

As for my party life, it's most definitely not on-par to the average student here. Yes this place is a party school, almost too much so. The sirens of police and ambulances every night passing by under my window get somewhat annoying after awhile, as do the jackoffs who find it necessary to rev their muscle car engines out in a drag down my street at 4:00 in the morning. When I do go to parties, it's usually with a couple of girls I met on my floor, although since coming back from Winter Break I havnt seen them. Never really got around to knocking on their door last weekend to talk; oh well.

All of this quiet existence is nice. I could/have settled in like this. I find it almost annoying those few times I do have to go home and break my idyllic routine. The point I'd really like to get to is that I chuckle when I walk through the dining commons, doing my usual "check people out/psychoanalysis of their actions". I still see some of the stuff that I remember from high school; stuff that I really wish I could understand the reasoning behind. I see couples where the girl is talking and the guy is staring adamantly into her eyes, as if she's the most interesting thing in the world. I see groups of friends breaking out laughing at something that one in their ranks said that, truthfully, couldnt be considered funny in any context.

Such selfless devotion to social interactions defined my high school career, and in many ways I desired it too, but I cant help but wonder now if those interactions were entirely meaningless. I came away with a couple of good friends, but for the most part those were friends I had in the first place. I went through three years of teenage stress about who my next date would be only to decide in the first couple of month's of college that it didnt really even matter. I used to think one should seek love, now I'm more of a believer in the "it will come when it's destined to". So many failed relationships, all with the same problem: the girl said "I feel like you and I are really different, James", of course followed by the reassuring lie, "But that's a good thing!".

Truly interesting is that the driving force behind much of the changes in my life revolve around my addiction to a certain video game. Some days, like today, I ponder over it and think of it as a blessing; an escape from one of the worlds endless circles of meaningless work. Others, I wonder if I should be living the same way I did in high school, because while I might have the oppurtunity now, I'll soon never have the oppurtunity again.

Placebo

2005-12-28T18:52:09Z

It's that day again. The time that our family, hearts set or not, makes it's two hour trek to a new home for a week. This year, I have a new motorcycle; I'm literally shaking with anticipation on how it feels, how it rides. My dad has hyped it up quite alot for me, and my brief sessions up and down the streets that make up my neighborhood have given me great expectations.

Yesterday I found two torrents that allowed me to obtain some previously unreacheable music by Death Cab for Cutie, which shares the musical genious of Postal Service by means of an outstanding singer. Oddly enough, I find it depressing that I wont be listening to this music tommorow, or the next day, or for that matter, another week. I actually want to go back to college so I can here it on my sound system.

College life seems so far from now. I left three weeks ago and havent thought in retrospect a day of those three weeks. Honestly, only one or two of them was really spent in boredom in my room in front of my computer; every other day was filled with some kind of adventure. I miss my hallmates from UCSB and all, but the bonds I share with them are nowhere near those that I share with the people in this little valley called Yorba Linda. It's very depressing to live in a bipolar world, constantly transitioning between what was and what is.

Like I said, this depressing music, oddly enough, makes me very comforted. While happiness is preferred, comfort is an excellent way to live.

I'll see you all when I get back. Maybe.

cantoiridium @ 2005-12-15T18:22:00

2005-12-16T02:22:53Z

I feel this odd anxiousness when it comes to my grades from last semester. No, I didnt fail anything, but a 'C' just doesnt do it for me in Chemistry, and I hope to god I did better.

For one of the few times in my life, I really dont want to see the results of finals.

On a lighter note, it has been discovered lately that Winter Break is upon us. It certainly is frigid outside. Unfortunately my old Accord was sold just a few days ago and this leaves me with no form of transportation for the coming week and a half. Nonetheless, I plan on at least seeing those who were truly close to me in high school.

kk

2005-12-07T09:19:30Z

eek. Finals are mostly easy. Chemistry tommorow. Gonna die.

Goodbye.

cantoiridium @ 2005-11-24T00:56:00

2005-11-24T08:56:58Z

After a long time of hearing someone say they "love" something you wonder whether it's really true or if they're just trying to convince themselves.

I'll be forthcoming: I like college, but thus far it's nothing like high school was. I guess as it's only freshman year, that's to be expected, but I highly doubt that I will ever have a year so carefree and funfilled as my senior year in high school.

If anything, innocence prevails in that situation. To many people have "grown up", so to say. Moved on to new challenges that I do not particularly agree with. The relative innocence shared among my peers and I in high school led to fun times where I never had to feel split and broken up about what I was doing.

This one time...

2005-11-18T09:53:47Z

There's this porno I have where a single guy takes on two unnaturally horny chicks. These girls are all over him and within fifteen minutes he has an orgasm. Then, as if he is shaking his fist at the gods, saying "I will not be defeated", somehow manages to summon up all his stamina and have another go at it. All within about five minutes.

If there's one person on this earth I admire for something besides Integrity, it's this guy. Of course, if I were in his situation...

hallows

2005-11-04T08:38:32Z

Oh, by the way, guys, the three-day party that represented halloween was blasphemous.

Girls found the most creative way to make EVERY costume, from cute bunnies to pirates, slutty, and guys walked around just gaping. What fun.

My stance? With 20,000 people packed onto a single street, more than half girls, all showing as much skin as possible to stray from being arrested, there's bound to be SOME excitement. I'm totally looking forward to next year. I'm gonna dress half-naked too.

Just

2005-11-01T23:58:51Z

Here to let you know I'm still alive.

In re-writing the directors-cut version of James' story, I needed to do what seems to be a ritual to these journals: review past entries. In this case I was trying to figure out how my relationship with Diane ended the second time.

For old time's sake, I must also re-iterate: do you guys realize how vastly, awesomely, crazily much I changed? Did you know I was a democrat before I changed my name? God damn, how does lost love translate into something so farfetched as Political Ideals?

I am truly unique.

Being a Senior is Great

2005-10-19T21:07:17Z

I sometimes wonder if I miss high school. I certainly don't walk around every day thinking "Damn, I wish it was last year", but every memory I have of that year is so damn fond to me I wonder if I'm just hiding my own emotions from myself. Maybe I don't want to miss senior year, just because I think I should be an independent person, I think it's another step in my master plan.

One thing's for certain, as my mind wanders in math class, drifting over "what I was doing exactly a year ago", I start remembering crushes, scandals, dances, love and lack thereof. A truly worthy life for a senior.

"Who was found sleeping with who in whose father's bed?" and "Who is trying to ask me to Sadies and how do I stop it?", despite being drama-filled, these rumors, facts and whatnot that floated around last year was blissful in the least. I think the essence of senior year came with the fact that I had finally come to know most of my peers, and as such felt a sense of comfort and cockiness in most of what I did.

I'm waiting for that time to come here; waiting for that cocky form of me to descend from the ninth floor of Francisco Torres.

OoO. Paranoia

2005-10-11T19:35:39Z

So here's the story. I took the train down to Ventura Sunday where Tyler picked me up so we could spend a day with Frank in LA. We went rowing, which was cool, and then visited UCLA and had dinner, which was again cool.

As I got off the train at 9:30 and mounted my bike, I knew I didnt have much time if I wanted to catch the bus back to campus. Alas, wouldnt you know it. As I pulled up to the bus stop the bus was a hundred feet away and I couldnt get it to stop.

Thus ensued a trip through the (often dark) great cities of Santa Barbara and Goleta which I had taken many times but had never attempted at night. As I was power-biking down a deserted path surrounded on each side by bushes and using my cell phone's camera flash as a flashlight I thanked god that I was in a city where such a thing was possible. Where I wasnt looking around every corner for every type of criminal and worrying my ass off about things I really shouldnt.

Honestly, being back in LA made me quite paranoid. That's coming from a guy who formerly thought he didnt get paranoid. I know it sounds childish and stupid to try to make you believe that in under a month living in this resort has changed me and my perspective, but understand that I call this place "home" now. I've adapted quickly, I like it here, and havent even considered being homesick.

From an outsiders point of view, you know what the worst thing about the basin is?
Traffic.

Something but Nothing

2005-10-07T20:51:46Z

I had some really good laughs courtesy of a link Becky gave me:
Nothingness Generator
These are the kinds of phrases that you could throw out at a party and see where it takes you. If people are serious, then you know you're in a group of idiots, if they start laughing, then you (or at least I) have found a group worthy of your respect.

How often have you heard the phrase "life is an illusion" or some other cliche people use to sound philosophical and smart? Honestly, with the groups I tend to envelop myself in, I dont get this shit alot, but it's pretty annoying when you do. Saying that "life is but a dream" takes about as much thought as it does for me to take a crap.

It's funny how such idiotic phrases as that can really spawn some thoughtful stuff though. Try that generator, most of the things are oxymorons and quite funny, but it's still interesting to play mindgames with teh different phrases.

cantoiridium @ 2005-10-06T20:59:00

2005-10-07T03:59:47Z

Good times, friends, good times.

One thing's for certain. You cant masturbate in a dorm room, so I need some god damn pu-tang!

Ambition is Evil

2005-10-02T09:02:47Z

Me, being a very ambitious man, find myself scared. Ambition works well with traits such as bravery and courage, but whether I have either (or whether they even exist in todays world) is a very real question.

Tiers

2005-10-01T09:19:04Z

My life is structured in a very organized fashion. While I used to revel with John about serendipity and it's various virtues, I realize that true happiness in life (at least for me) come from certainities, not the unknown, and certainly not waiting for something to happen.

When I created this James character years ago, I created him as a structured shell that was to help me complete tasks, move from hypothetical rung to rung on the ladder of life. I first tackled philosophies and friendships, and permanently rooted myself into the moral and social worlds. In conventional language, I developed both friendships and defined morales to live by, both of which necessary to any person wishing to truly live. Many people find that adopting a religion is a worthy alternative to conjuring ones own morales, but just like me with computers and cars, I dont like to buy things pre-built, I like the hassle and knowledge that comes with getting dirty.

My next task was much more momentous. It was women, and it is a task I still work at. It is largely because of this that I now attend the great school of UCSB, because, unlike others, I have put accomplishing these tasks above absolutely everything else.

So yes, women: the next frontier. No doubt many of you have known my ambition to conquer my sexuality for some time, but this is without a doubt the first time I've put it into words this way. A good question might be why this is so important to me and the answer involves something that girls might not understand. Suffice to say that it's hard to pay attention in class, to listen to colleagues, to just work in general, when you are constantly caught up in sudden urges to have sex with random people you find merely physically attractive. I am convinced the solution to this is mastering the art of seduction, in such a way that a girl is no longer a coveted object, but a fruit for the picking.

A more interesting question regards what is next for me. Once I have mastered the first two phases, everything is certainly not complete. I think from there the hardest task of them all comes: Studying. MCATs are said to be hard little bitches, and I think my GPA here is a little more important than it turned out to be in high school. Real life is approaching swiftly, and I have four years to prepare.

CI

2005-09-29T06:08:42Z

I pity the people who will never wake up to the view of a crystal-clear sunrise over the untainted channel islands.

Bikes

2005-09-27T02:20:09Z

Having just read my friend's entries, I suddenly feel horrible for writing this, but I must cuz I must.

It seems to me that there are very few people left on this earth who remember the arcane art of bike riding. By that I mean that roughly 75% of the students here simply cannot ride bikes.

Going to class this morning I saw one kid almost T-Bone another kid riding right next to him, a girl slam into the rear of some poor guy because she didnt know which side the brake lever was on, and some guy run into a pedestrian who wasnt even standing on the bike highway. At every incident I seriously broke out laughing at the people as I passed them. In a move of compassion, I attempted to direct my criticism towards those who attempt to ride bikes despite the fact that they cannot and not those helpless souls that got run into. I think, however, that in this endeavor I failed. Oh well.

I really get a laugh out of watching girls try to ride bikes. When they try to pedal standing up on those gigantic beach cruisers it looks like they are climbing a tree or something. Actually, it's quite indescribable, but it most certainly is hilarious. Sometimes I intentionally stay behind the incessantly slow women just to get a good chuckle.

That's another thing: most people have completely disregarded the fact that for the first time in their lives, they are not governed by speed limits. They can go as fast as they want, but instead, they go pretty much as slow as they can without losing balance. It took up all the stupidity in my brain to come up with the idea that maybe, just maybe, some people were naive enough to believe that going slower allows one more stability on a bike, which by all physical laws is just plain untrue.

In some ways slow people are fun. Just like it's fun to fuck with people when driving a car, so it is with bikes. I get alot of pleasure out of popping a huge wheelie while I'm flying by some noob. Then again, I am a sadistic SOB.

WoW'ing life.

2005-09-19T23:51:20Z

So in World of Warcraft, there comes these instances where you are at a certain level, say 29, where all the monsters in your current area are too small and crappy to give you decent experience but all the monsters in the next level are too big to even attempt.

Sometimes, when I get away from my computer and attempt to play the game of Life, I feel like it's the same way. I'm a freshman again, only a little behind alot of people even though I'm ideologically on the same playing field. Get it? No, I didnt think so.

Honestly though, what's there to say for a guy who aspire to be a cocksman and whatever else but who remains as pure as he was the day he was born. Ouch. Well, maybe I'm not that pure, but pretty close.

You know, I dont think I've ever done a nerd-entry. Of course that last paragraph really nullifies the first.

Would'nt you know it? First day I'm out exploring and my bike tire pops and I have to walk 2 miles into Isla Vista. What terrible luck.

cantoiridium @ 2005-09-18T16:52:00

2005-09-18T23:52:48Z

Yeah, I moved in. We'll leave it at that. Pictures later, new website still coming.

Goodbye muffinman

2005-09-17T05:39:54Z

Say goodbye to teddy, mr. efini, that hunk of plastic, and the pad of paper. I'm off tommorow morning.

Dude, I got a new soundcard, only I had to sacrifice my CD-ROM's. Gay and soundtastic at the same time.

cantoiridium @ 2005-09-16T08:44:00

2005-09-16T15:44:42Z

god i hate hypocrisy. if i could i'd send all those damn hypocrites to concentration camps right now.

then, we might see progress, the absence of fear, little or no murders, a sudden cure for overpopulation, and less complaining.

seriously, dont ever vote for me for president. i'll rock your world.